Our Infertility Story- Part 4

In honor of National Infertility Awareness Week, I have been sharing my own story of infertility.  My husband and I have been trying for fourteen months to have a third child, with nothing but two miscarriages to show for it.  We now have three babies in Heaven and two on Earth.  My hope is that other women who are struggling will read this story and know they are not alone.

 Here is our infertility story, part 4. 

 p.s. Don't forget to keep track of the dates!

Tuesday, 26 February 2013

4w1d

Yesterday I took a positive pregnancy test and went in for bloodwork to test my hcg and progesterone.  I'm going to start keeping stats on here for my own purposes.

4w0dHcG: 14
Progesterone: 11.1

My numbers are low.  I'm not completely pessismistic, but not very optimistic either.  We'll see what happens, I guess.  If I do have another miscarriage, maybe we'll be able to do some testing and find out what's going on.

Friday, 01 March 2013

4w4d

Just as I thought, this pregnancy is not going to make it.  My HcG at 4w3d was 17.  It's just a matter of time time until I start to bleed.

My kids are demanding food.  It's hard to be a mom when things are going on like this, but I have to do it, right?

Saturday, 02 March 2013

Sparkling Failure

The last few days I've been cleaning like mad, and anyone who knows me knows this isn't normal.  Just a minute ago I figured out why.

I feel like I've failed Scott.  My body isn't able to hold on to a pregnancy and although I know it's not REALLY my fault, I still feel like I'm failing.

And when you're failing in one area you try to make up for it in another area.  At least I do, anyway.  So, my kitchen is sparkling clean because Scott likes clean kitchens.  He has no clue I'm doing this.  Heck, I had no clue either until just now.  But yeah, that's what's going on.  My kitchen is sparkling because my body is failing to do what it was made to do.

And that's all I feel like writing about right now.

Sunday, 03 March 2013

I started spotting last night before bed.  By the time I got up this morning, I was bleeding.  It's not super heavy yet, so I suppose that's good.  Cramping is mild.  I've spent most of the day in bed, except when I've had to work (I'm working Hy-Vee this weekend). 

I'm anxious to go to the doctor and start getting some answers. It's killing me that I can't know what's going on RIGHT NOW.  It's hard to stay patient. 

My cousin told me about the Creighton Model of natural family planning, and so I did a little research and found a clinic that uses it and NaProTECHNOLOGY in Des Moines.  I'm considering going to them.  I'm frustrated that I've known something has been wrong for a year and nobody has listened to me.  Two precious lives have been lost because nobody would take me seriously.  I need to advocate better for myself, to make lists and take them to the doctor and not leave until everything I want to talk about has been discussed. 

Right now, to be honest, I'm not sure I want to continue with trying to have a baby.  Maybe we were meant to only have two children.  Or maybe I'm just weary.  I'm tired of the trying and the disappointment and the fear and the loss.  I just want someone to make the decision for me so I don't have to.