This is part three of our story about infertility. I'd like you to see the emotional parts of infertility. I'm not posting this to garner attention or to make people sorry for me, though. I'm posting because I want people to know that secondary infertility is real, and it affects way more people than most people think. I'm also doing this because nobody should have to feel alone in this journey. Maybe telling my story will bring a sense of solidarity to other women.
We are still at the beginning of our journey, even though it started fourteen months ago. So far, I have not been on any special meds, or had to give myself injections, or had to have highly invasive procedures done on me or on Scott. I pray that we will never have to get to that point. I've witnessed it with my best friend and it was not pretty. I admire her courage and strength, and I know that every day she thanks God for the miracles He gave her. She had to endure much to receive much. I love that she is so willing to share her story; her openess has given me strength to talk about my story.
p.s. Remember, this was written in January :)
Thursday, 17 January 2013
Ramblings
This is the twelfth month that we have been trying for a baby. It's hard to believe that last January we were nervous about the decision to expand our family, February we started, and here were are, almost a year later with no baby. After conceiving three times in our first month, I never thought we would be at the point where we are now. If, at the end of this month, I am still not pregnant, we will start blood work. The fact that I was pregnant in November kind of cancels out all the other months of trying, so technically, we are not considered "infertile". However, I will still pursue bloodwork and see if I can figure out at least if the issue is with me.
Meanwhile, I am frustrated. And sad, too. And a tad bit guilty, because I'm at the point where I don't like pregnant women. A dear friend of mine called the other day to tell me she was pregnant, and all I could think was that I was glad she was telling me over the phone so she couldn't see my tears. It's hard to explain. I"m very happy for her, but even more sad for me. The fact that she conceived her baby right about the same time I lost mine is not lost on me.
I thought I would beat her to it.
I know that sounds selfish, but I did think that.
I have a friend who struggled for six years to have a child. Just a few weeks ago, her daughter was born. I cannot imagine the pain she must have felt. While I so desperately want another baby, at least I've been blessed with two amazing little boys. Still, it is painful to see so many people around me pregnant.
I've been wondering if I'm being punished or tested by God. I'm not sure. It's possible.
Maybe something good will come to me and that's why I have to wait.
Maybe I'm being taught a lesson in patience.
This I know: I am sad, frustrated, and a little bit miserable. I am also a little more humble, closer to God than ever before, and appreciative of all I have.
Now may I have my baby?
My heart and prayers go out to you and your family, my friend. It is never easy understanding why God chooses to do what he does, but for some reason, He has a plan. We may not like it or even want it right now, but who are we to judge Him? Losing a baby is never easy. It's frusterating to not have reasons or answers that you so crave. I live every day wondering what my life would have been like had our first boy lived. I came close to losing my life that day as well, but I know He had a path for me that did not end that day. I, too, had some depression. I had some very dark thoughts for awhile that, looking back through my journals, really scare me to think that I got that bad. Somehow, my strength found me and got me back on my feet. I hated, and somewhat still do, pregnant women who are so blissfully ignorant of the miracle they carry. You are in my thoughts as you travel down this unforgiving road of life. I think part of what helped my in my journey was telling my story. Having people know that I wasn't afraid to talk about it helped me to connect with others and their own experiences. Hugs to you!!
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